Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Missing her...

So I don't really have the energy to tell the whole story here, but basically the day after my last post Mom went downhill fast and passed away with family around her on Oct 1 at 7:30 in evening. Since then I have been wandering through life in a haze. I know she is gone - I was there for her last breath, but still I can't even believe it. It hits me like little punches to the gut, strong enough to make me want to collapse, but that isn't an option. There isn't much collapsing one can do with a busy 8 month old who needs me to take care of him, not to mention other things I have committed to. I keep telling myself at some point it will all hit me, but I don't know if that is true anymore - I think this is how it will probably be forever - I'll be going about life and then I'll see her smiling face and realize once again that she is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

Boy oh boy does that suck.

The craziest part of all of this is that I have so much actually going my way at the moment and I am having one hell of a time figuring out what to do with that. It looks like my job situation at Apple is going to work out, but nothing official yet, Jake is the most amazing little boy - I can't imagine my life without him, Jess and I are strong and happy. I'm broke as a joke, but what else is new? I'm a little lonely, but I just joined a mom's group so I am hoping that maybe we'll find some new friends with kids.

I don't really know - I'm missing her and I hurt for my Dad and Brother. I can sense that she is with me sometimes - and that is comforting, but then I have that realization that she really is gone all over again.

I know I just have to keep moving - and I will, but geez... I just need a day off from life.

1 comment:

  1. It will not always be this way. Time really does have a way of taking care of our grief, and allowing us to continue. We were not meant to grieve forever.

    I know Jake is just a little squirt, but you need to start now telling him the stories about your childhood so that he will have the advantage of learning about and loving his grandmother through your eyes, and from your prospective. Doing that will also help you focus on the the whole of her life, not just the last few weeks and months.

    I'm glad to see that you are joining a mom's group. That should be immensely helpful. And I am available anytime to keep precious Baby Jake so you and Jess can have a date. Just let me know.